Jokes here please!

Danny goes to work for the council on contract to put some telegraph post in. The contract said he would get £10.00 for every post. So he does a very hard days work. At the end of the day he goes to his boss and proudly tells him that he has done 3 Posts. His boss looks at him angrily and say "3, only 3, Dave has done 45, John who has a bad back has done 53, and you're telling me that you have only done 3". Danny says "Yeah but have you seen how much they leave out of the ground". 🤣 🤣🤣
 
For those harping on about Obama, Trump etc...this is a joke thread, I came here to read some lighthearted fun. Can we leave the politics outside the door please?

Opinions are like armpits, everyone has them and most of them stink.
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 
just.wing.it said:
Got that right buddy!
Hence the electoral college....designed to avoid Democracy.

Our system was never intended to be a Democracy.

We have a representative constitutional republic with some "democratic processes".

Democracy is what was in apartheid South Africa.....or Jim Crow America.

@Mikecheck123
I wasn't going to dignify that weak sauce reply at all, but I see that you have been lied to by Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper.

Please educate yourself.
Go to the sources that tell you what you don't hear on TV.....they only tell you what they want you to know.

Meanwhile, the Dems still haven't given T a peaceful transition of power for 2016.
They never accepted the results of Bush/Gore 2000.....they're just sore losers and cheaters on the feild....always have been.

Hell, it took the Democrats 100 years to accept the results of the civil war.....so, what should we expect from the party of segregation and lynching.....anarchy I suppose.
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Here’s a “sidenote” joke:

When I first saw HUAC in your signature, (before I looked into it) I (at first glance) thought your signature said; “Bring back GUAC!”....

And I was all.... “Who took it away?”
🤣🤣🤣
 
sorce said:
I paid $165 for this Rainbow Eucalyptus.

View attachment 331730

They said the bark will start peeling and make different colors later.

Sorce
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I'm going out on a limb to state flatly that ain't a Rainbow Eucalyptus any more than I'm a sea turtle. It's more likely some kind of Begonia or a Buick. Let's hear from our Aussie experts.
 
Prayer from little Hans:
During dinner little Hans was asked to express his thanks...
"But I can't pray," he answered.
"Pray for your family, friends and neighbors, for the poor, etc." ... said the Father.
"Okay," said the boy.
"Dear God,......
Thank you for our visitors and their children, who ate all my candy and cookies and ice cream.
Bless them and make sure they never come back.
Also forgive our neighbor's son who just took my sister's clothes away and panthed a wrestling match in bed with her.
For next Christmas, please send clothes for all those poor naked women on my father's computer.
And make sure that the homeless man who, when daddy is at work always uses mommy's room and bed, gets a new home.
Amen!"
 
Forsoothe! said:
I'm going out on a limb to state flatly that ain't a Rainbow Eucalyptus any more than I'm a sea turtle. It's more likely some kind of Begonia or a Buick. Let's hear from our Aussie experts.
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Title of this thread is "Jokes Here Please", Forsoothe, it is only a joke. We all know it is not really a $165 rainbow eucalyptus.
 
Two lovers are engaged in a VERY passionate embrace following a romantic dinner. They are both shocked and scared to hear a key in the lock belonging to the front door.

The woman turns to the man and says, “Damn! That’s my husband! You’ve got to get out of here!.... the window! .. now!”

The man hurries to the window, and upon opening it turns to the woman and states, “I can’t.. we’re on the 13th floor!”

The women looks at him, furiously annoyed and says, “Now is NOT the time for your bullshit superstitions!”
 
Leo in N E Illinois said:
Title of this thread is "Jokes Here Please", Forsoothe, it is only a joke. We all know it is not really a $165 rainbow eucalyptus.
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Is that so? I don't believe that I have seen a credible one posted here, and there are lots of people who also have not seen a small one in the flesh as they are very uncommon, at least in my circles. I didn't figure out that it was a joke until after I posted. I wonder how many people were fooled like me? After all, Sorce is an impeccable... whatever.
 
Forsoothe! said:
Is that so? I don't believe that I have seen a credible one posted here, and there are lots of people who also have not seen a small one in the flesh as they are very uncommon, at least in my circles. I didn't figure out that it was a joke until after I posted. I wonder how many people were fooled like me? After all, Sorce is an impeccable... whatever.
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You know something I learned recently? It’s ok to be wrong. It’s the excuses for being so which make a person foolish.

Anyway, the titular (tee hee) joke from my first joke book, “The Ha Ha Bonk Book” by Janet and Allan Ahlberg.

What goes ha ha bonk?

A man laughing his head off! 😁
 
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
 
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
 
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
 
Forsoothe! said:
I'm going out on a limb to state flatly that ain't a Rainbow Eucalyptus any more than I'm a sea turtle. It's more likely some kind of Begonia or a Buick. Let's hear from our Aussie experts.
Click to expand...
Leo in N E Illinois said:
Title of this thread is "Jokes Here Please", Forsoothe, it is only a joke. We all know it is not really a $165 rainbow eucalyptus.
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Rainbow eucalyptus does not actually grow in Australia so expecting Aussie experts to know about it is the real joke
 
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