Jokes here please!
- Thread starter MichaelS
- Start date
Milly
Shohin
Is Google a male or a female?
A: A female 'cos it makes a suggestion before you can finish your question
A: A female 'cos it makes a suggestion before you can finish your question
J. Adrian
Mame
Excuse me. But, a bit more of adult humor,
-What is Green and smells like Pork?
-What is Green and smells like Pork?
J. Adrian
Mame
Kermit's the frogs finger.
quietobserver
Omono
Oh I thought it would go in another direction.
Rambles
Mame
A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them, rolls his eyes, looks to the sky and says "Is this a joke?"
The bartender looks at them, rolls his eyes, looks to the sky and says "Is this a joke?"
Rambles
Mame
An old Okey couple is driving across the Texas panhandle on their way out to visit relatives in California.
The husband says "That cloud looks like a Buick!"
The wife, stone deaf, yells "What'd you say?"
"I said," he shouts, "That cloud looks like a Buick!"
"Oh, yeah, I guess it does dear."
While staring at the cloud, he blows past a patrolman who, shakes his head and pulls them over.
He says "I need your registration and proof of insurance"
"What'd he say?" she shouts.
"He needs the insurance papers outta the glove box dear!" The husband yells.
"Oh, Okay!" She shouts back.
The cop, amused, tries to make small talk as he processes their information
"So where y'all from?"
"Oh we're from Tuls-"
"What'd he say?"
"Oh," she shouts "We're from Tulsa, sir!"
The cop looks away for a moment, wistful. "I used to know a girl from Tulsa. Long ago..."
Then under his breath muttered "Worst lay of my life."
The wife, seeing his lips move, shouts "What'd he say?"
The Husband shout's back, "He said, He said he thinks he knows ya."
The husband says "That cloud looks like a Buick!"
The wife, stone deaf, yells "What'd you say?"
"I said," he shouts, "That cloud looks like a Buick!"
"Oh, yeah, I guess it does dear."
While staring at the cloud, he blows past a patrolman who, shakes his head and pulls them over.
He says "I need your registration and proof of insurance"
"What'd he say?" she shouts.
"He needs the insurance papers outta the glove box dear!" The husband yells.
"Oh, Okay!" She shouts back.
The cop, amused, tries to make small talk as he processes their information
"So where y'all from?"
"Oh we're from Tuls-"
"What'd he say?"
"Oh," she shouts "We're from Tulsa, sir!"
The cop looks away for a moment, wistful. "I used to know a girl from Tulsa. Long ago..."
Then under his breath muttered "Worst lay of my life."
The wife, seeing his lips move, shouts "What'd he say?"
The Husband shout's back, "He said, He said he thinks he knows ya."
Mr.E
Mame
What's a pirates favorite letter?
Mr.E
Mame
(You have to say it like a pirate)
No it be the C
No it be the C
I watched Get Shorty again last night.....
Ray "Bones": Which also means when I speak, I'm speakin' for Jimmy. So e.g. as of now, you start affording me the proper respect.
Chili: 'E.g.' means 'for example', Ray. I think what you wanna say is 'i.e.'
Ray "Bones": Bullshit. E.g. is short for 'ergo'.
Chili: Ask your man here.
Mob Guy: Best a my knowledge, e.g. means 'for example.'
Ray "Bones": E.g., i.e., fuck you. The point is, I say jump, you say okay. Okay?
Ray "Bones": Which also means when I speak, I'm speakin' for Jimmy. So e.g. as of now, you start affording me the proper respect.
Chili: 'E.g.' means 'for example', Ray. I think what you wanna say is 'i.e.'
Ray "Bones": Bullshit. E.g. is short for 'ergo'.
Chili: Ask your man here.
Mob Guy: Best a my knowledge, e.g. means 'for example.'
Ray "Bones": E.g., i.e., fuck you. The point is, I say jump, you say okay. Okay?
Victorim
Omono
Two my father slipped in this afternoon, while telling us how their cruise went..
There was one guy who got badly sun burnt, really bad.. fell asleep sunbathing on the deck. He was taken to the medical center on board, and they gave this big tub of cream and a bag of Viagra. He said "thank you, but what's the Viagra for?". "It will stop the sheets sticking"
Another couple there, the husband had to have tests done, and the doctor said "today we'll need a urine and a stool sample". The husband turned to the wife "what did he say?". "Just leave your underwear at reception dear.."
There was one guy who got badly sun burnt, really bad.. fell asleep sunbathing on the deck. He was taken to the medical center on board, and they gave this big tub of cream and a bag of Viagra. He said "thank you, but what's the Viagra for?". "It will stop the sheets sticking"
Another couple there, the husband had to have tests done, and the doctor said "today we'll need a urine and a stool sample". The husband turned to the wife "what did he say?". "Just leave your underwear at reception dear.."
Ironbeaver
Chumono
The question of wabi sabi has been solved. It's this colour
sorce
Nonsense Rascal
A dude is a gamer, his game glitches so he decides to whoopie the wife and they have a baby.
The child...
Is a son of a glitch!
Sorce
The child...
Is a son of a glitch!
Sorce
HorseloverFat
Squarepants with Conkers
Dogs are forever in the “push-up” position.
AlainK
Imperial Masterpiece
Very drunk guy (whose name was Guy) to the bartender : "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my right eye" -burp.
Bartender : (this guy is far out) OK, here's $20 on the counter.
The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites into it.
Wow.
Guy : I now bet you $40 I can bite my left eye.
Bartender : huh, huh, OK. (he can't do that!)
The guy pulls out his denture and bites into his left eye.
The bartender begins to be annoyed.
The guy at the bar says "I bet you $80 that I can stay ten feet from a shot glass and pee into it without dropping a single drop on the floor".
Bartender : good, he's so drunk that even if... OK, and he puts $80 on the counter.
Guy steps backward, he lets his er, hose out, and pees all around, wetting all the floor and not even a drop gets into the shot glass. The bartender bursts out laughing.
And Guy tells him "you can laugh : I bet $1.000 with this man in the back of the room that I would pee all over the place and you would just laugh".
(reminds me vaguely of my younger years)
Bartender : (this guy is far out) OK, here's $20 on the counter.
The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites into it.
Wow.
Guy : I now bet you $40 I can bite my left eye.
Bartender : huh, huh, OK. (he can't do that!)
The guy pulls out his denture and bites into his left eye.
The bartender begins to be annoyed.
The guy at the bar says "I bet you $80 that I can stay ten feet from a shot glass and pee into it without dropping a single drop on the floor".
Bartender : good, he's so drunk that even if... OK, and he puts $80 on the counter.
Guy steps backward, he lets his er, hose out, and pees all around, wetting all the floor and not even a drop gets into the shot glass. The bartender bursts out laughing.
And Guy tells him "you can laugh : I bet $1.000 with this man in the back of the room that I would pee all over the place and you would just laugh".
(reminds me vaguely of my younger years)
HorseloverFat
Squarepants with Conkers
No, YOU’RE not making any sense!
HorseloverFat
Squarepants with Conkers
...and the bartender goes, THAT’S not a duck!