Jokes here please!

A quote fromhttp://salma-gundi.blogspot.com/2007/09/books-should-make-you-laugh-why-i-love.html?m=1

On Bill Bryson's "Down Under".

In Down Under, which is about Australia, he tells a lovely anecdote about a little four-year-old who is living next door to a house that's being renovated. Every day the little girl goes next door and hangs around a bit, until the builders invite her to 'help' out a bit with the building and have tea with them. At the end of the project, the builders give her a little pay packet containing a few dollars. Her mom, keen to show her the value of saving money, takes the little girl to the bank so she can deposit her dollars in her saving account. "Wow," says this cashier. "You're a clever girl to earn money building a house. Will you be building another house next week?"

"Yes," says the girl. "But only if the fucking bricks arrive."

Great Book.

Sorce
 
How hard it was...to refrain from just one members name added to this thread. But...that isn't nice. I won't add the name I'm thinking...but I have a feeling many can come of with a good name that applies.

:p

Feeling quite ornery today...need to step away from my keyboard.
 
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An Irishman runs out of a blazing bar fire carefully carrying four full pints of beer...he's stopped by a responding firefighter who asked how the blaze started....he responded: "how should I know, she was a burnin' when I got here!!"
 
My wife was looking in the mirror one evening and she said "Looking old is not nice, I'm Fat, Wrinkled, Sagging"...could you give at me least one nice positive, remark....So I said to her, "Your Eyesight is Perfect".....that's when the fight started...
 
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day. One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.” Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Bertha passed on. A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.” “Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Betty — it’s me, Bertha.” “You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice. “Bertha! Where are you?” “In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” said Betty. “The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.” “That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
 
Three men are in the final stages of their training to enter the Secret Service. The first man has been married for 2 years, the second 15 and the third 30.

The first man is asked if he would be willing to kill his wife if he had to. He responded no and was discharged.

The second man is asked if he would be willing to kill his wife if he had to. He said yes, was handed a gun and sent into a room to find his wife blindfolded. He returned quickly and said he could not go through with it. He was discharged.

The third man is asked the same question to which he responded yes. He is sent into a room to find his wife blindfolded. There were no gunshots heard in the room but instead some very loud thuds. The man returns from the room and says "which one of you bastards forgot to load the gun"!
 
Nybonsai12 said:
Three men are in the final stages of their training to enter the Secret Service. The first man has been married for 2 years, the second 15 and the third 30.

The first man is asked if he would be willing to kill his wife if he had to. He responded no and was discharged.

The second man is asked if he would be willing to kill his wife if he had to. He said yes, was handed a gun and sent into a room to find his wife blindfolded. He returned quickly and said he could not go through with it. He was discharged.

The third man is asked the same question to which he responded yes. He is sent into a room to find his wife blindfolded. There were no gunshots heard in the room but instead some very loud thuds. The man returns from the room and says "which one of you bastards forgot to load the gun"!
Click to expand...
Haha. I was just about to write that one. You beat me to it. The ending I heard was....Wife: ''Why didn't you tell me it was unloaded? I had to beat him to death with it!''. Funny how things change as they get passed around!
 
A British officer just back from a tour of Northern Africa is interviewed

Officer:
''Well I came across this armed rebel while walking alone in the desert and before I could reach for my side arm, he had his rifle pointed at me and cocked ready to fire''

Interviewer:
''That's horrible! Did you survive''?

Officer:
''Ah...yes.....yes I did survive. So as I stood there completely helpless, he pulled the trigger and his gun jammed! Let me tell you, it's moments like this when you realize just how precious and sacred life truly is''

Interviewer:
''So what did you do''???

Officer:
''I shot the bastard''
 
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