goosetown
Mame
Hello, my name's Geoff. I sometimes order trees online when I can't find what I'm looking for at one of my local nurseries (which is rare). It's the magic of the Internet! You show what you have, I tell you that I'd like to buy it, I send you money, you send me a tiny little tree. Truly, we're lucky to live in the future.
And as such, I feel like we have lots of options at our fingertips. FUTURE options. Advanced techniques for shipment. The bulk of the (relatively few) trees that I have needed shipped to my place of residence have arrived intact and nicely contained with scant muss or fuss about the process. That changed today. And though my nice little Practice Cryptomeria (as I shall call it until I prove that I won't kill it) did indeed arrive healthy and in one piece, there was one issue. I'd like to take a minute to warn you in advance to avoid this practice - or stop dead in your tracks from doing it, if such might be the case - as it will most assuredly cause your customers to hate you with the burning fire of 10,000 suns. And never patronize you again.
Here we go:
Do not pack your trees in Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts.
You see, like many bonsai enthusiasts, my first instinct is not to open a plant inside my house, but outside. On my porch. In relative "nature". Where the tree belongs. And what happens when you use Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts, packed DENSELY into the cardboard box with the tree, is this: it gets everywhere. Because you open the box, and those awful little bastards just spill out. On a particularly unlucky day, like, say, oh, I don't know...today, you'll open your box unsuspecting at JUST the moment when the slightest gust of wind comes sweeping by, and BOOM. You've got Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts all over your porch, all over your previously uncontaminated bonsai, and all over yourself. Additionally, let's say you live on the third story of a building with a rather nice little communal garden just feet below. In that instance, Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts might be carried down into said garden - by wind AND gravity! - and, concurrently, you might be forced to later explain to a rather perturbed HOA why the once-pristine community garden is now quasi-blanketed in Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts.
Here's the thing: it's not like Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts are the only option available to you in the realm of bonsai-shipping. In fact, they're not even the most inexpensive or reliable, and they're CERTAINLY not the most user-friendly. So why use them? This is an important question I feel like you may not have asked yourself before. It's paramount that you start.
I hope this has been a helpful open letter. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to spend the next hour picking microscopic bits of Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts out of my otherwise lovely little Practice Cryptomeria.
Sincerely,
Geoff LaTulippe, Bonsai Enthusiast and Potential Sanitarium Resident
And as such, I feel like we have lots of options at our fingertips. FUTURE options. Advanced techniques for shipment. The bulk of the (relatively few) trees that I have needed shipped to my place of residence have arrived intact and nicely contained with scant muss or fuss about the process. That changed today. And though my nice little Practice Cryptomeria (as I shall call it until I prove that I won't kill it) did indeed arrive healthy and in one piece, there was one issue. I'd like to take a minute to warn you in advance to avoid this practice - or stop dead in your tracks from doing it, if such might be the case - as it will most assuredly cause your customers to hate you with the burning fire of 10,000 suns. And never patronize you again.
Here we go:
Do not pack your trees in Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts.
You see, like many bonsai enthusiasts, my first instinct is not to open a plant inside my house, but outside. On my porch. In relative "nature". Where the tree belongs. And what happens when you use Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts, packed DENSELY into the cardboard box with the tree, is this: it gets everywhere. Because you open the box, and those awful little bastards just spill out. On a particularly unlucky day, like, say, oh, I don't know...today, you'll open your box unsuspecting at JUST the moment when the slightest gust of wind comes sweeping by, and BOOM. You've got Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts all over your porch, all over your previously uncontaminated bonsai, and all over yourself. Additionally, let's say you live on the third story of a building with a rather nice little communal garden just feet below. In that instance, Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts might be carried down into said garden - by wind AND gravity! - and, concurrently, you might be forced to later explain to a rather perturbed HOA why the once-pristine community garden is now quasi-blanketed in Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts.
Here's the thing: it's not like Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts are the only option available to you in the realm of bonsai-shipping. In fact, they're not even the most inexpensive or reliable, and they're CERTAINLY not the most user-friendly. So why use them? This is an important question I feel like you may not have asked yourself before. It's paramount that you start.
I hope this has been a helpful open letter. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to spend the next hour picking microscopic bits of Styrofoam Motherfucking Peanuts out of my otherwise lovely little Practice Cryptomeria.
Sincerely,
Geoff LaTulippe, Bonsai Enthusiast and Potential Sanitarium Resident
