Recovery & Mental Nuts

ShadyStump said:
Discovered the other day how important my morning routine is. I get up, I get coffee, start the sprinklers on the gardens and trees, and buttle around checking on everything.

Then on Sunday I somehow slept in for the first time in months. An actual 8 hrs of rest. Doesn't happen often for me.
But that of course meant my whole routine was shot, which was never a big deal in the past. Just adapt and do what needs done. But this time I was in an absolute funk all day. Whatever there was, my brain just wasn't having it.
Then I took a moment to run the hose on the grass. 15 minutes of that and I was fine.
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Routines are important. 8 hrs sounds lovely. I run on 3-4. My head is too loud and keeps me up all night. Lol
 
Today I attended the funeral service of a coworker who died a bit young. It wasn't unexpected due to his illness but still he was too young to go.
Then I got back to work and received the new that another coworker - the one who gave me Batman BC - just found out he has advanced liver cancer. The man is strong as an ox and a true tough man by any measure. He just finished building his log mill and is in the process of building a huge barn/workshop using the very lumber he mills.
To hear that he may have to start planning for his final days is hard. I've been through war and faced many many sad situations. As long as one has a heart, it never gets easier no matter how many times you have done it. My father was right when he told me that all I can do is to get better at enduring & continue to carry out my duties while dealing with pain.
Just last week he was showing me pictures of him enjoying his homegrown watermelons with his family. *sigh*
 
Cajunrider said:
Today I attended the funeral service of a coworker who died a bit young. It wasn't unexpected due to his illness but still he was too young to go.
Then I got back to work and received the new that another coworker - the one who gave me Batman BC - just found out he has advanced liver cancer. The man is strong as an ox and a true tough man by any measure. He just finished building his log mill and is in the process of building a huge barn/workshop using the very lumber he mills.
To hear that he may have to start planning for his final days is hard. I've been through war and faced many many sad situations. As long as one has a heart, it never gets easier no matter how many times you have done it. My father was right when he told me that all I can do is to get better at enduring & continue to carry out my duties while dealing with pain.
Just last week he was showing me pictures of him enjoying his homegrown watermelons with his family. *sigh*
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Sorry to hear about your coworkers
 
Well. I went to the funeral and my coworker's wife told me the last assignment I gave him was the one he most enjoyed and identified his engineering career with that work. I must admit that felt good. I created that assignment specifically for him given the situation he was in. My hats off to him for he expanded that assignment and created a niche for himself with that work. He even formed a company and did well with it.

But then talking the one with cancer this morning was like a punch as he called it. All the worries were for his family. Good thing he has a strong faith to hang on to face the tough time ahead.
 
Cajunrider said:
Well. I went to the funeral and my coworker's wife told me the last assignment I gave him was the one he most enjoyed and identified his engineering career with that work. I must admit that felt good. I created that assignment specifically for him given the situation he was in. My hats off to him for he expanded that assignment and created a niche for himself with that work. He even formed a company and did well with it.

But then talking the one with cancer this morning was like a punch as he called it. All the worries were for his family. Good thing he has a strong faith to hang on to face the tough time ahead.
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It's good to go out on a positive note. I'm glad you were able to do that for him.
Your friend with cancer, try to do the same. He's not dead yet, but all that apprehension is easier to manage when you know and appreciate your own impact on the world.
 
ShadyStump said:
It's good to go out on a positive note. I'm glad you were able to do that for him.
Your friend with cancer, try to do the same. He's not dead yet, but all that apprehension is easier to manage when you know and appreciate your own impact on the world.
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All these are sad but still much better than the deaths of close ones I experienced during the war. They were all sudden with no closure and little hope for bright future. Those didn't feel like punches in the guts, they felt like concussion grenades. You get stunned and when you are conscious again, you move on to hopefully safer ground.
 
I saw very little real action in Iraq in '03, but what I did see was just enough to help me understand this.
Unfortunately, I've also experienced it the other way around. My older brother, in his last few years, went off the deep end. He went from the reasonable if impractical he had been all his life, to unreasonable and impractical after another stint in jail on DUI charges he refused to accept responsibility for. This time no one even bothered to visit him, it'd become that old, and he resented it to the point that he abused everyone around him and eventually burned every bridge he ever built.
In the end he was homeless and prostituting himself to get his meth. We couldn't help because he'd become too unstable to allow in our homes.
One night he was drinking with the only friend he had left in the world (because his friend was too deep in his own alcoholism to ever ask anything of) my brother freaked out on him, and his friend shot him in self defense.
There was an awkward sense of relief when I heard. I argued for the friend to the court, and was happy when the charge was dropped from murder to manslaughter. I keep meaning to send him a Christmas card, but I never get around to Christmas cards.
 
ShadyStump said:
I saw very little real action in Iraq in '03, but what I did see was just enough to help me understand this.
Unfortunately, I've also experienced it the other way around. My older brother, in his last few years, went off the deep end. He went from the reasonable if impractical he had been all his life, to unreasonable and impractical after another stint in jail on DUI charges he refused to accept responsibility for. This time no one even bothered to visit him, it'd become that old, and he resented it to the point that he abused everyone around him and eventually burned every bridge he ever built.
In the end he was homeless and prostituting himself to get his meth. We couldn't help because he'd become too unstable to allow in our homes.
One night he was drinking with the only friend he had left in the world (because his friend was too deep in his own alcoholism to ever ask anything of) my brother freaked out on him, and his friend shot him in self defense.
There was an awkward sense of relief when I heard. I argued for the friend to the court, and was happy when the charge was dropped from murder to manslaughter. I keep meaning to send him a Christmas card, but I never get around to Christmas cards.
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For those all we can do is to treasure the good memories we have of them and assign the bad memories to the addiction and move on with the conviction of never allowing ourselves to be addicted to those vices. No way we could help those cases for if we do, we harm ourselves and others who rely on us.
 
I spent my 03 tour mostly in Kuwait. I went in February and built the combat support hospital. As soon as we finished, the war started the next day, March 20th. So I got to live out the MASH tv show I used to watch as a kid. I was a mechanic so my additional duty was litter bearer. So many wounded, maimed and dead came through that hospital. Soldiers, civilians(locals and US contractors. When surgeries took place, I’d sleep on the generators so I could make sure they didn’t lose power and then lose a life. I will always remember one Kuwaiti family. The mom was real sick, close to death. So dad grabbed mom and his 8year old daughter and raced to post. He was in such a hurry he raced around barricades toward the gate and the gate guards opened fire. Mom was killed, dad went into a 13 hr surgery where he lost a leg which was given to me to take to the bio freezer, daughter lost her right eye. Since, her parents were out of commission the nurses pretty much took care of her and I spent a lot of time with that young lady. I just had my daughter 2 weeks before I deployed so that little girl pulled in my heart strings. I can still see her face and I often wonder what happened to her.
When I got back from that fun, I was put on funeral detail and folded about 300 flags in 2 months before I pcs’d to Colorado. I can’t do funerals anymore, not even family members. It was an honor to do that for the soldiers and their families but that shit broke me. Listening to 5 different families a day mourn a love one as you try to fold a flag perfectly and keep your composure was a mission in itself. I really started having issues at this point. Waking up to every siren and start looking for my gear, waking up the wife and telling her to be quiet “they” are over there while crouched down holding an invisible M16. Shit was getting real. Lol
Another deployment from fort Carson and I really had issues. Had a near miss, let some people borrow our vehicle so they could convoy to Kuwait, on the way back they were hit with an IED made with copper, super heated copper melts through the armor plating, the 4 soldiers sitting were decapitated, the gunner was in half. We had to tow it back with everyone inside then clean it out. Not fun. I was supposed to go, but the camp commanders vehicle needed work so that’s where I was at. Crazy how that works. So I did the one thing you should never do in the military and I was truthful about my my mental state. 3 months later I was med boarded and sent on my way.
Needed a job, so I deployed to Qatar as a civilian to work on battle damaged Strykers. I’d cry every time the vehicles came in almost cut in half because I knew no in made it. On top of that, when cleaning the inside out we’d find pieces and parts of the former occupants. Well, now I drink and smoke to cope. Lots of meds, lots of therapy and I’m still stuck. One day, oil figure this all out.
I’m done now, sorry.
 
Dysfunctional Vet said:
I spent my 03 tour mostly in Kuwait. I went in February and built the combat support hospital. As soon as we finished, the war started the next day, March 20th. So I got to live out the MASH tv show I used to watch as a kid. I was a mechanic so my additional duty was litter bearer. So many wounded, maimed and dead came through that hospital. Soldiers, civilians(locals and US contractors. When surgeries took place, I’d sleep on the generators so I could make sure they didn’t lose power and then lose a life. I will always remember one Kuwaiti family. The mom was real sick, close to death. So dad grabbed mom and his 8year old daughter and raced to post. He was in such a hurry he raced around barricades toward the gate and the gate guards opened fire. Mom was killed, dad went into a 13 hr surgery where he lost a leg which was given to me to take to the bio freezer, daughter lost her right eye. Since, her parents were out of commission the nurses pretty much took care of her and I spent a lot of time with that young lady. I just had my daughter 2 weeks before I deployed so that little girl pulled in my heart strings. I can still see her face and I often wonder what happened to her.
When I got back from that fun, I was put on funeral detail and folded about 300 flags in 2 months before I pcs’d to Colorado. I can’t do funerals anymore, not even family members. It was an honor to do that for the soldiers and their families but that shit broke me. Listening to 5 different families a day mourn a love one as you try to fold a flag perfectly and keep your composure was a mission in itself. I really started having issues at this point. Waking up to every siren and start looking for my gear, waking up the wife and telling her to be quiet “they” are over there while crouched down holding an invisible M16. Shit was getting real. Lol
Another deployment from fort Carson and I really had issues. Had a near miss, let some people borrow our vehicle so they could convoy to Kuwait, on the way back they were hit with an IED made with copper, super heated copper melts through the armor plating, the 4 soldiers sitting were decapitated, the gunner was in half. We had to tow it back with everyone inside then clean it out. Not fun. I was supposed to go, but the camp commanders vehicle needed work so that’s where I was at. Crazy how that works. So I did the one thing you should never do in the military and I was truthful about my my mental state. 3 months later I was med boarded and sent on my way.
Needed a job, so I deployed to Qatar as a civilian to work on battle damaged Strykers. I’d cry every time the vehicles came in almost cut in half because I knew no in made it. On top of that, when cleaning the inside out we’d find pieces and parts of the former occupants. Well, now I drink and smoke to cope. Lots of meds, lots of therapy and I’m still stuck. One day, oil figure this all out.
I’m done now, sorry.
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Thanks for your service. There is nothing to be sorry about. We will help one another cope as best we can.
 
Dysfunctional Vet said:
I spent my 03 tour mostly in Kuwait. I went in February and built the combat support hospital. As soon as we finished, the war started the next day, March 20th. So I got to live out the MASH tv show I used to watch as a kid. I was a mechanic so my additional duty was litter bearer. So many wounded, maimed and dead came through that hospital. Soldiers, civilians(locals and US contractors. When surgeries took place, I’d sleep on the generators so I could make sure they didn’t lose power and then lose a life. I will always remember one Kuwaiti family. The mom was real sick, close to death. So dad grabbed mom and his 8year old daughter and raced to post. He was in such a hurry he raced around barricades toward the gate and the gate guards opened fire. Mom was killed, dad went into a 13 hr surgery where he lost a leg which was given to me to take to the bio freezer, daughter lost her right eye. Since, her parents were out of commission the nurses pretty much took care of her and I spent a lot of time with that young lady. I just had my daughter 2 weeks before I deployed so that little girl pulled in my heart strings. I can still see her face and I often wonder what happened to her.
When I got back from that fun, I was put on funeral detail and folded about 300 flags in 2 months before I pcs’d to Colorado. I can’t do funerals anymore, not even family members. It was an honor to do that for the soldiers and their families but that shit broke me. Listening to 5 different families a day mourn a love one as you try to fold a flag perfectly and keep your composure was a mission in itself. I really started having issues at this point. Waking up to every siren and start looking for my gear, waking up the wife and telling her to be quiet “they” are over there while crouched down holding an invisible M16. Shit was getting real. Lol
Another deployment from fort Carson and I really had issues. Had a near miss, let some people borrow our vehicle so they could convoy to Kuwait, on the way back they were hit with an IED made with copper, super heated copper melts through the armor plating, the 4 soldiers sitting were decapitated, the gunner was in half. We had to tow it back with everyone inside then clean it out. Not fun. I was supposed to go, but the camp commanders vehicle needed work so that’s where I was at. Crazy how that works. So I did the one thing you should never do in the military and I was truthful about my my mental state. 3 months later I was med boarded and sent on my way.
Needed a job, so I deployed to Qatar as a civilian to work on battle damaged Strykers. I’d cry every time the vehicles came in almost cut in half because I knew no in made it. On top of that, when cleaning the inside out we’d find pieces and parts of the former occupants. Well, now I drink and smoke to cope. Lots of meds, lots of therapy and I’m still stuck. One day, oil figure this all out.
I’m done now, sorry.
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This is what this was made for.
No apologies needed here. They just get in the way.

My experience was a jumbled mess of "huh, what."
Field artillery, paladins. We did the regular 6 month rotation in Kuwait in '02, came back to find my first wife had put me $3k in debt while I was gone, and a two weeks later my mom died in 5 car hit and run pileup in a construction zone caused by a drunk driver. Learned to hate my older sister. Mom wasn't even in the ground, but she was wondering through the house pointing out all of Mom's stuff she wanted to inherit. Still gets huffy over dad spending the life insurance money on paying off the house.
Couple months later a rotation at NTC. We all new the war was coming, and we'd get home just in time to pack up and go back to the desert. We were right. Got stop-loss'ed, and made it in theater two days before the whole "mission accomplished" thing.
We were supposed to be the 2nd wave of the invasion that turned out to be unnecessary, so we got a one hour crash course in building clearing tactics from an infantryman, then sent to Baghdad and told to make like MPs. We had NO idea what we were doing.🤣 Running around in ammo tracks like they're APCs, patrols and checkpoints, transferring prisoners, all that junk. I personally spent an inordinate amount of time on a guard tower watching traffic.

We knew an insurgency was coming, and we knew it would be AKs and IEDs, and we knew we were screwed when it kicked off. Because we had NO idea what we were doing.
I figured the easiest way to cope was just to accept that my end could be around every corner, and that there was nothing I could do about it, so just turn that damned corner like your heading to the club.
That's what got me. When I went home I was so confused at the notion that NOTHING HAPPENED. Fired one shot the whole time, and that was a tracer. (Some guy took his pants off to moon me, so I lit his pants on fire.😜 My favorite 4th of July memory.)
A couple months later things lit up for real, and I added survivors guilt to the existential cognitive dissonance.

Like I said, didn't see much, but just enough to understand.
 
ShadyStump said:
Just an FYI, most US vets are not fond of this.
You're not doing anything wrong. It's complicated, and it's us, not you.
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I am from a military background as well. The few times I've gone to local VFW posts for special occasions and speeches, everyone seemed to be OK with it. However, I will take your advice and use that statement with due care.
 
Cajunrider said:
I am from a military background as well. The few times I've gone to local VFW posts for special occasions and speeches, everyone seemed to be OK with it. However, I will take your advice and use that statement with due care.
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I’m good with it, I’ll just return it to you. Thank you for your service Cajunrider.
 
Dysfunctional Vet said:
I’m good with it, I’ll just return it to you. Thank you for your service Cajunrider.
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I have no service with the US Armed Forces. I don't want to leave any chance for any claim of stolen valor.
 
Dysfunctional Vet said:
I spent my 03 tour mostly in Kuwait. I went in February and built the combat support hospital. As soon as we finished, the war started the next day, March 20th. So I got to live out the MASH tv show I used to watch as a kid. I was a mechanic so my additional duty was litter bearer. So many wounded, maimed and dead came through that hospital. Soldiers, civilians(locals and US contractors. When surgeries took place, I’d sleep on the generators so I could make sure they didn’t lose power and then lose a life. I will always remember one Kuwaiti family. The mom was real sick, close to death. So dad grabbed mom and his 8year old daughter and raced to post. He was in such a hurry he raced around barricades toward the gate and the gate guards opened fire. Mom was killed, dad went into a 13 hr surgery where he lost a leg which was given to me to take to the bio freezer, daughter lost her right eye. Since, her parents were out of commission the nurses pretty much took care of her and I spent a lot of time with that young lady. I just had my daughter 2 weeks before I deployed so that little girl pulled in my heart strings. I can still see her face and I often wonder what happened to her.
When I got back from that fun, I was put on funeral detail and folded about 300 flags in 2 months before I pcs’d to Colorado. I can’t do funerals anymore, not even family members. It was an honor to do that for the soldiers and their families but that shit broke me. Listening to 5 different families a day mourn a love one as you try to fold a flag perfectly and keep your composure was a mission in itself. I really started having issues at this point. Waking up to every siren and start looking for my gear, waking up the wife and telling her to be quiet “they” are over there while crouched down holding an invisible M16. Shit was getting real. Lol
Another deployment from fort Carson and I really had issues. Had a near miss, let some people borrow our vehicle so they could convoy to Kuwait, on the way back they were hit with an IED made with copper, super heated copper melts through the armor plating, the 4 soldiers sitting were decapitated, the gunner was in half. We had to tow it back with everyone inside then clean it out. Not fun. I was supposed to go, but the camp commanders vehicle needed work so that’s where I was at. Crazy how that works. So I did the one thing you should never do in the military and I was truthful about my my mental state. 3 months later I was med boarded and sent on my way.
Needed a job, so I deployed to Qatar as a civilian to work on battle damaged Strykers. I’d cry every time the vehicles came in almost cut in half because I knew no in made it. On top of that, when cleaning the inside out we’d find pieces and parts of the former occupants. Well, now I drink and smoke to cope. Lots of meds, lots of therapy and I’m still stuck. One day, oil figure this all out.
I’m done now, sorry.
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I don't think enough of us consider the cost mentally and physically to those protecting our freedom.
 
Dysfunctional Vet said:
I’m good with it, I’ll just return it to you. Thank you for your service Cajunrider.
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It always makes me feel awkward. Not entirely sure what it is.
Maybe it's that I don't feel like it was anything special. No one tells the trash man, "thank you for your service," or the road crew who cleans up the roadkill.
Maybe it's the, "you weren't there, you have no idea," part. Like, "I'm not proud of that, so why are you thanking me?"

In the end it's just people being polite, which I do really appreciate, so I really don't know what it is.
 
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