There was a documentary in the UK a few months ago about the cocaine trade start to finish. The amount of leaves you need at the start of the process to finish with a tiny amount is crazy. The coca bonsai would be safe.
Chewing the leaves is something the native population does for a stimulant. Some make coca tea. The web tells me chewing the leaves produces a more mellow, rounded, euphoric buzz than the rush and crash of cocaine. I'd still fail a drug test, but only because they'd ask me "What the hell is in your mouth?"
The DEA won't care if we're chewing or refining. If we're going to jail for growing bonsai, our defense attorney is going to want to know just how much cocaine we could have produced in one year.
I found this:
"In order to make 1 kilogram of cocaine, drug producers need to cultivate around 370 kilograms of coca leaf, or over 800 pounds. The producers need over two acres of land in order to grow enough coca leaf to create a kilo of cocaine."
How much cocaine can we get from one bonsai? 370k : 1k is our first clue.
An acre is about 4047 square meters.
Here are a couple of hard-working individuals outsourced from the US:
The trees look a little sparse. Let's be generous and say that the bonsai at the top of the page has as many leaves as a square meter of the plants in the photo of those hard working entrepreneurs.
With two square acres and one bonsai per square meters, we would have 8,094 bonsai trees (Imagine the cost of pots and akadama! Someone in the cartel is going to complain when they see our bill from Dallas Bonsai.)
8094/370kg = 21.876 trees to produce 1kg of leaves
1000/21.876 = 45.74g in leaves per bonsai (1.6oz),
That seems light. But we're using generalities. 1.6oz of leaves feels like we're in the right cocaine farm ... I mean ballpark. Order of Approximation calculations are common and "feels right" is enough validation to continue calculating.
8,094 bonsai per kilo of coke gives us:
1000g/8094b = 0.123g, roughly 1/8g of coke per bonsai
Poking around the web, because I honestly don't know, tells me that it would take about twice that for a nice high.
At six harvests per year, something else I learned, you can get a nice high 3 times a year or if you're patient, you can be hospitalized and be a patient once a year.
I don't do cocaine and wouldn't. I would only get a cocaine bonsai because I think it would be funny to tell my friends that I have a cocaine bonsai. I could put it in shows and lie about its species. No one would know. It'd be a hoot.
Then somehow, somewhere, residue will be on my wife's shoes. So what? She happens to work in the same building as the a local DEA office. She has ridden the elevator with a dog or two. One of the dogs is guaranteed to freak at some point. Then the DEA comes to my house and I tell them "I have a cocaine bonsai! Ain't that a hoot?"
It won't be a hoot.
Don't do coke, kids. I never have (I binge drank in college). The closest I've been to coke is by way of a college girlfriend. She was fresh out of rehab for an addiction to speed. She promised me she wouldn't do speed while we were dating. Instead, she did coke. Then she did one of her girlfriends. While I was in the room. Things got all kinds of good and weird, but, yeah, uh, where was I? OH! Don't do drugs.
